Analyzing Sam and Alex’s Relationship
The Stages This Relationship Has Gone Through
Relationships are vital concepts of everybody’s life. Relationships help us develop emotional well-being and establish stability. To maintain a relationship, both parties have to enact a humanistic model to sustain a continuous move towards deeper self-disclosure and emotional ties. However, relationships have various stages that incorporate to establish a stable approach to accommodating each other’s insufficiencies. These include attraction, dating, disappointment, stability, and commitment. In featuring the relationship between Alex and Sam, I identify as a male and Sam as a female. Their relationship has gone through the first stage, which is an attraction. Alex’s mention that he saw Sam in a previous English semester indicates that he got attracted to her. Such is because a student meets many others in a single semester, and for Alex to remember Sam, it means he concentrated on her for a substantial amount of time. In the first meeting, they strived to impress one another. They both used the concept of C.ON.N.E.C.T. to create perceptions of each other through self-disclosure.
Alex initiated a small talk to develop their relationship with a simple salutation, “Hi.” They both expressed their dislike for the English class. In their conversations, they were cautious and flirtatious towards each other and discussed similarities in the quest to bond. The two have tried to respond positively to the initial stages. They have also employed the DIALOGUE technique, which has made them develop intimacy towards each other. Through this, the two have realized each other’s interests. For instance, when Alex invited Sam for lunch, she did not turn down, and having time together at the Student Centre Food Court gave them more opportunities to learn with each other. The relationship also went through the dating stage, where both aimed to please their partners, six months later. Alex presented a ring to Sam, who opened happily and to her, it was a fantasy come true!. They both mentioned being in love with each other. Additionally, after moving in after two years, a lot happened, whereby Alex strayed and had affairs with other people, which makes Sam bitter and unable to contain. Such was the beginning of frustrations and hence indulging the relationship into a disappointment stage. Further, this led to the hamburger fight. Sam prepared hamburgers for Alex, which she felt would please him, although it was not the case. The case of burger initiated both CONTROL and DIALOGUE. In this case, Alex expressed his dislikes for the snack, but Sam responded rudely. A conflict was initiated where they responded to each other with negative emotions. The relationship ended in separation.
How our culture’s beliefs about love and romance may have contributed to the problems faced by this couple
Love and romance is a subjective concept, although perceived differently through a cultural lens. While our cultures may differ, the failure to embrace each other’s insufficiencies may prompt critical misunderstandings. Resultantly, each one blames the other as the source of all the problems. For instance, Sam views Alex as the sole contributor to the disputes because even with apologies, she still reminds him of the past mistakes. In light of this, she covers her mistakes and views herself innocent. In the hamburger fight, she sees nothing wrong with them and ignores Alex’s dislikes for them. Further, the triangular theory of love states three elements of love, which are passion, intimacy, and commitment. However, for Alex and Some, the three elements seem to be insufficient, which contributed to the challenges they faced. Passion aids in developing a strong feeling towards each other and time to know one another better.
For this couple, after their meeting at the food court, they went silent on each other only for Alex to present a ring to Sam. Although they both seemed to have had the same interests, a ring present seemed so abrupt for Sam to make a reliable and informed decision in accepting the offer. Further, love affairs outside marriage are highly humiliated in most cultures, such as China and India. Cultural values disregard immorality as an evil vice whose final result is either divorce or separation. In this case, Alex indulged in outside relationships, which contributed to the marital conflicts with Sam. Sam got angered by Alex’s affairs and felt disregarded and withheld her love for him. Other cultural values regard that men can cheat on their partners and have their wives remain loyal. In this case, Alex has cheated on Sam, and although he apologizes, he takes it lightly and is unaware of the emotional hurts he imposed on his wife. Seemingly, intimacy is the central part of any romantic relationship, and its insufficiency may result in conflicts. For instance, in their fight, Alex expresses bitterness for his wife’s lack of intimacy with him.
SAM: (Anger and sarcasm) Yeah, well, so am I! I’m the one who really got screwed while you were out screwing around.
ALEX: (Sadly frustrated) Is that why you don’t want to make love? You always have some kind of excuse.
SAM: (Intense anger) It’s not an excuse, buddy, it’s a reason! I’ve been lied to and cheated on. I’m not making love to someone who treats me like dirt?
ALEX: (Remorseful) But I don’t treat you like dirt, I love you.
How the “hamburger fight” is an indication of this couple’s inability to deal with conflict
The hamburger fight started when Alex irrevocably questioned whether he smelled them. Sam, too, responded annoyingly that, if he did not like them, he could as well prepare something else. Resultantly, Sam got enraged and drove the conversation further to remind Alex of his inappropriate behaviors.
ALEX: (Vigilant annoyance) That’s not hamburgers I smell, is it?
SAM: (Defensive annoyance) Yes, it is. I like hamburgers. We can afford hamburgers. And I know how to cook hamburgers. Make something else if you don’t want’ em.
ALEX. (Heavy sarcasm) Thanks so much. Nice to know you care to make something I really like. I hate these damn things. And I really hate’em four times a week.
SAM: (Sharp, cold anger) Then eat out.
ALEX: (Frustration) You know I have work to do tonight. I haven’t got time to go out.
SAM: (Contempt) So shut up and eat the burgers. I love them.
ALEX: (Sarcasm) Great. It’s all about you. Whatever happened to us and we?
From the dialogue, it is clear that the conflict was not handled constructively. Firstly, Alex initiated the fight through his wrong approach to express his hatred for hamburgers. In the context of marriage, Alex failed first to appreciate his wife’s efforts to prepare him at least a meal before he got home. Sam became irritated and found it challenging to forgive Alex for his aberration. Albeit Alex attempts to apologize to Sam, this did not make any difference as Sam seemed determined to continue the fight. Resultantly, Sam admitted that separation was the best thing to end the conflict. Similarly, when Sam was questioned about hamburgers, she provided a series of provocative response which raised Alex’s anger. Maybe, she could have just nodded to respond. Also, instead of the two handling the simple case of hamburgers, they indulged in blaming each other’s mistakes.
How this fight might have been done differently and perhaps have led this “saga” to a different ending.
The fight expressed a level of disagreement whereby Sam felt she was right and perceived Alex as the falterer. Mostly, this is described as a script “I’m OK, You’re Not OK”. Seemingly, Sam looked at herself as a perfect and positive person, while Alex as negative.
SAM: (Intense anger) It’s not an excuse, buddy, it’s a reason! I’ve been lied to and cheated on. I’m not making love to someone who treats me like dirt?
In this case, distrust and suspicion took control, and the couple failed to stabilize their misunderstandings. In light of this, the couple could have implemented the emotional self-management and conflict management skills such as C.ON.T.R.O.L. versus D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. to take the fight in a better direction. Perhaps, the script of “I’m OK, You’re OK” could aid in solving the saga constructively. Sam did not heed to Alex grievances of his dislikes for hamburgers and hence seemed to only care for her interests. Instead, she could have apologized to Alex with a promise to prepare him a meal of his choice. Otherwise, telling Alex to make something else if he did not like them or eat out was only rude of Sam. This indicated her lack of care for Alex’s interests and that she did not care whether he would go to without food. Alex apologetically said that he could not get time to eat out due to his busy schedule, but still, Sam did not care and only insisted that he eats the hamburgers, which Alex hated. Sam needed to control her anger and pride at this stage and at least find something better for Alex to eat, as she enjoyed her hamburgers. In this case, Sam could take time before responding angrily to Alex by allowing her self-talk aspect to construct a meaningful conversation before initiating a yell at each other.
The concept of ‘self-talk’ allows people to control their ego and moods. As such, the couple could quickly realize their mistakes address them constructively. Maintaining the apologetic tone by the falterer was an essential aspect of this fight. Alex could have recognized that his behavior imposed too much bitterness on Sam, which made her emotionally provoked. At this point, instead of Alex becoming emotional; also, he could have remained apologetic, and maybe Sam’s heart could become softer and end the fight in a constructive manner.
ALEX: (Submissive, fearful) Did you mean what you said when you said you didn’t love me?
SAM: (Sad, acceptance) I think I did. When I learned about your little “trips”, I just couldn’t deal with it. I guess I tried to protect myself, and, in the process, I just lost my feelings for you.
ALEX: (Apprehensive) Then why do you stay with me? Why don’t you leave?
The little ‘trips’ were Alex’s fault that angered Sam, and instead of inquiring why she still stayed with him, he could have swallowed his feelings and humbled to Sam. Alex could have used humble approaches and tone to further express how sorry for he was for the mistakes. Also, he could have made promises not to repeat the error.